The seasons of gifts and giving is upon us.….  

The technological and commercial society in which we live delivers a covert message.  That message would have us believe that the more we spend and the more gifts we give and receive will allow us to ‘fit in’ and, by fitting in, the more esteem we will be held in by those around us, in other words we will be seen as ‘good enough’.   This kind of giving is driven by ego, that part of us that needs to feel special.

How often do we stop to think about what it actually means to truly give ?

Whilst it enjoyable to give and receive gifts at this time of year, true giving comes from the heart, without expectation of receiving something in return.  It’s not about how much money we spend or even spending money at all.

True giving is kind, generous, selfless and genuine.  It is anything which uplifts another person, a gentle touch, a look, a smile, encouragement, a listening ear.  Lao Tsu once said “Kindness in words creates confidence.  Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.  Kindness in Giving Creates Love.”

Wishing you all a happy and peaceful Christmas.

Jacqueline

This was posted on Facebook  as part of Mental Health Awareness week.    I felt I wanted to share it to help eradicate the stigma which still surrounds mental health issues.

Piglet and Pooh

“Piglet?” said Pooh.
“Yes Pooh?” said Piglet.
“Do you ever have days when everything feels… Not Very Okay At All?    And sometimes you don’t even know why you feel Not Very Okay At All, you just know that you do.”
Piglet nodded his head sagely.    “Oh yes,” said Piglet.    “I definitely have those days.”
“Really?” said Pooh in surprise.    “I would never have thought that.    You always seem so happy and like you have got everything in life all sorted out.”
“Ah,” said Piglet.    “Well here’s the thing.    There are two things that you need to know, Pooh.    The first thing is that even those pigs, and bears, and people, who seem to have got everything in life all sorted out… they probably haven’t.    Actually, everyone has days when they feel Not Very Okay At All.    Some people are just better at hiding it than others.
“And the second thing you need to know… is that it’s okay to feel Not Very Okay At All.    It can be quite normal, in fact.    And all you need to do, on those days when you feel Not Very Okay At All, is come and find me, and tell me.    Don’t ever feel like you have to hide the fact you’re feeling Not Very Okay At All.    Always come and tell me. Because I will always be there.”

Jacqueline

In the hustle and bustle of today’s increasingly pressurised society it seems to be a given that most people look for ways in which to make life happier. Have you ever wondered what life might be like if everyone agreed with one another ? How would it be if everyone in the World thought the same thoughts and had the same viewpoint ?

When I was a child I can remember reading a story about a Mrs Do As You Would Be Done By, a busy woman who strove to make the world a more caring place to be. Mrs Do As You Would Be Done By admirably assumes that if we treat others as we ourselves would wish to be treated then the world will become a better place. Sounds like an excellent recipe for successful relationships doesn’t it? However, I question this hypothesis.

Every single one of our unique experiences throughout life shape who we become. Each experience we have in life changes our thinking in some way. This said, it stands to reason that our differing experiences shape how we view every situation. Siblings may share a similar upbringing but the way in which they experience their position in the family will be unique to them. Classmates being taught the same subjects by the same teachers will have a very different perspective on their lessons and indeed, their teachers. Because of our individual experiences we each see life through our own unique filter. How then is it possible for a person to make the world a happier place to be by suggesting that everyone needs to behave in the same way as themselves or, that everyone should share the same opinion as them?

Each one of us shares a common humanity whilst having the right to have our personal needs met. Perhaps a more understanding alter-ego for Mrs Do As You Would Be Done By might be Mr & Mrs I Don’t Have A Need To Be Right who treats everyone with tolerance, respectful of their differences.

As our opinions are born from each of our life experiences, it is to be expected that the differing experiences of others are going to lead to differing opinions from our own. An event or behaviour which feels right for me maybe a total anathema to you. For example:

Twins, Annie and Arthur are about to take swimming lessons before they can safely go off on the family boating holiday abroad. Annie is really looking forward to learning to swim, she has always enjoyed paddling in the shallow pools at the seaside. As you would expect, Arthur too has spent time at the beach with his twin. Arthur however, as much as he would like to be able to swim, dreads the very thought of the forthcoming lessons. One day whilst playing around the rock pools with Annie, Arthur slipped on a piece of seaweed and plunged head-first into one of the deeper pools and swallowed a significant amount of seawater which made him gasp and splutter for his breath. The sea water he swallowed made him retch and vomit. His frightening experience has created in him a fear of being immersed in water. So what seems an exciting prospect for Annie is something Arthur views as a torment to overcome if he wants to learn to swim and feel safer playing around water. Both points of view are born of a similar but differing experience and are perfectly valid and understandable.

Life becomes more difficult when we attach ourselves to a need to be right. When we take the time to consider that perhaps there are reasons why things may look different from another person’s point of view, we come to see that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ viewpoint, there really is only difference.

The Native American saying “ To understand where a man is coming from, “walk a mile in his moccasins” still resonates today. There is always an experience, a story, to be found behind an opinion. Fostering tolerance of others’ opinions, even when we disagree with them, creates an environment of respect and consideration. When we stop needing to be ‘right’, being ‘wrong’, by definition, becomes meaningless.

Be happy

Jacqueline

The Fifty Shades of Grey Phenomenon

When the Fifty Shades of Grey book came out it caused a sensation and, at the time, became the fastest book to sell a million copies.  I believe it has now, at the time of writing, sold One Hundred Million copies.     For anyone who doesn’t already know, Fifty Shades of Grey follows the erotic relationship between a newly graduated girl and a billionaire business guy.     After seeing and hearing all the hype surrounding these books I felt I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and so I duly ordered myself a copy.

Not all that long ago women were literally given away in marriage and became the property of their husbands.   The man was deemed to be the head of the household and women had little or no say, they were expected to ‘know their place’.   Domestic violence was not deemed to be a criminal offence, my own mother had a pretty rough life at the hands of my father.

In my lifetime women have become more liberated and learned to stand up for themselves in achieving goals within their own right.    I include myself in this.   I have watched as women fought for equal rights in the workplace.   I have seen how women have been able to renegotiate a place of equality within their relationships.   As a woman myself I have felt immensely proud of the progress women have made in overcoming the sexist views of men and indeed society.     I then read Fifty Shades …..

It seems to be mainly women who raved over the book at the time it was published.   As a liberated woman living within a society of other liberated women, I find that really surprising. When I hear comments to the effect that Monsieur Grey is a ‘real man’ I wince.  

I am not a prude or inhibited about sex, it can be wonderful and I like it, but I do have a very real concern about the type of sadistic sex described throughout the book and the assumed fascination in sadistic sex as the high level of sales seems to indicate.  Whatever two consenting adults get up to in the bedroom is usually considered by them to be normal.  We all see life through our own unique filter and see our own behaviour as normal .. as ‘how it should be’.   Within my consulting room I hear so many differing accounts of what is considered to be normal that I have become unshockable.  The thing I find disquieting about these books and now the film is women’s apparent acceptance of being made sexually submissive to a dominant man through sado-masochism.

You may be thinking that the books and the film are only a bit of fun but if you take away the billionare’s billions then all you have is an abusive and controlling man.   The books suggest that because this guy is rich that gives him the right to power over others.

In my profession I have to deal with enough of the darker side of life.   The line between eroticism and abuse is a very fine one and it’s all too easy to step over it.  With that in mind, the story that is played out in the books and is now brought to life in the film, is one that, if taken up by many men, will create a living hell for many women.   The male character in this particular story is much in need of therapy in order to resolve his own abused childhood.

In my view the books, and now the film, are not helpful and may well put the cause of women back a generation, maybe even two.

For me, making love as an equal partner will always be better than the control exerted by S&M.

In the words of John Lennon  “All you need is Love”.

Be happy

Jacqueline

Put Yourself on a Negativity Free Diet 

It’s not easy to be  positive every second of the day.   Negative thoughts can always find a way to sneak up on us from time to time.    The trick is to catch them as they arrive, to interrupt the current thought and turn it into a more positive one.   As you become more aware of their arrival it is easier to stop them taking over your thoughts.   The more you practice catching their arrival and replacing them with a positive you will notice that their arrival decreases.     I liken negative thoughts to a sceptic wound – left unattended it will fester and make you ill.    When you attend to the wound and ingest antibiotics into your system the wound will begin to heal as soon as the antibiotics take hold.

Here are a few tips for eradicating negative thinking:

Choose Your Own Reality (Yes, you can)

It’s important to realise that the way you react to the outside world becomes your reality. When something happens you can to choose to see it as either a positive or negative experience.   Which ever one you choose you will react accordingly and that viewpoint will become your reality.   Losing your job, Finding yourself living alone, A neighbour’s selfish  action might be viewed as a an absolute disaster or it could be viewed as the opportunity to move on and find new experiences and a better, brighter future.   You really can choose your response to any given situation.

Exercise; it Produces a Natural High

When you exercise the increased energy output naturally releases positive chemicals into your body.   This is an excellent way to maintain your positive attitude.  I used to run to the sound of my favourite music but you don’t need to be a long distance, or any other distance, runner, or to be doing very strenuous exercise each day – a walk around the block with or without your favourite music ringing in your ears will help.

Download Some Positivity to Your Brain

As we have just read, exercise downloads its own positivy into your brain.   However, for those who really detest exercise there are other alternatives out there.   There are countless inspiring books, podcasts and videos which can be downloaded to encourage positivity into your life.  Tapping into others’ positive thoughts and experiences may help you to look at problems in a completey different and positive way.   You don’t even need to set  aside time to listen in, you can do so whilst commuting, cleaning up, walking the dog or just sitting with your feet up.

Recharge Your Batteries

A vital step in maintaining a positive attitude is to take some time to recharge your batteries.  This could be anything from taking a couple of hours to watch a favourite uplifting film to taking a month’s holiday.   Take a day out from the world and treat yourself like your own best friend.    Whatever you choose to do, a break in your usual routine will produce a feeling of caring for yourself and a more positive mindset.

Watch / Listen to Less Newscasts

It’s always useful to know what’s going on in the wider world, however, the media always loads towards the negative.  I find it so sad that it seems to be negativity which enthralls. Repeatedly listening to the same negative message will set up a negative mindset.   Find out what’s happening in the world by all means, just limit your daily input.

Take on an Attidude of Gratitude

Learning to have an attitude of gratitude is all about being thankful for the good things that we already have in our life.    When we are grateful for what is good in our life, we are leaving little room for negativity to take hold of our thoughts.   You will find that the more you practice being grateful, the more things arrive in your life to be grateful for. 

Make a list of all the things in your life for which you are grateful, you may be surprised by just how many there are.   Me ?   Well, I’m grateful for the food I eat, the logs which keep me warm, the true friends I have in my life, the simple fact that the sun is shining today, the peace and quiet I enjoyed whilst writing this blog …. and much, much more.

I’d love to hear what the ingredients are in your negativity free diet, please let me know via the comments box below.

Think positive

Jacqueline

Nelson Mandela ….. 

A man whose courage won out against all odds and made the world a better place for so many.

We can all help make the world around us a better place by practicing kindness, having respect and patience with ourselves and with others and standing up for what is humane.

Let’s be the change we want to see in the world by offering to others the humanity we would like to receive for ourselves.   We may not have the celebrity of Nelson Mandela but we can make our own corner of the world a better place.

Be peaceful

Jacqueline

Ways to begin Selfing …..

I was sent the following by a friend who felt I would be interested in reading it.  I found it a very interesting and thought provoking concept.   I pass it forward to you to take from it what you will.

Imagine that you have a bank account that credits your account each morning with £86,400.    It carries over no balance from day to day.   Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance that you failed to use during the day.    What would you do ?   You would of course draw out every penny.

Each of us has such a bank.    The account name is Time.    Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds.   Every night it writes off as lost every second that you have failed to invest to good use.    It carries over no balance.   It allows no overdraft.    Each day it opens up a new account for you.    Each night it burns the remains of the day.    If you fail to use the day’s deposits the loss is yours.   There is no drawing against ‘tomorrow’.    You must live in the present on today’s deposit.    Invest well in order to get the utmost in health, happiness and whatever is important to you.

The clock is running.   Make the most of today.   

Be happy.

Jacqueline

Here comes the Sun 

Inspired by the power of the sun, civilizations have celebrated the first day of summer, the summer solstice, for eons.    Our biological system is linked to the rising and setting of the sun.   Circadian rhythms affect us in ways with which many of us living in the modern world have become disconnected.

Midsummer is a time when there is more sunlight each day and our energy levels are boosted both physically and emotionally.       By dint of the increased energy the summer solstice brings, this is an ideal time for making resolutions to:  kickstart new habits, improve human relationships and, to let go of negativity.

Do you feel a biological difference in your energy level and mood at this time of year ?    Do you feel like your batteries are fully charged between the summer solstice and the winter solstice ?   Now is the time to create daily habits that will become hardwired into lifestyle changes.   Changes that will help to keep your spirits buoyed as the days become shorter.

New Year’s resolutions are difficult to keep and usually don’t last.   Midwinter is a most difficult time of year to create new habits.   The odds of creating lifestyle changes that last are highest when your energy levels are at their highest.    When you resolve to change habits of mindset and behaviour in Midsummer they are more likely to stick because it is much easier for them to become hardwired in the brain.   

If you would like to share your aspirations … please do so via the comments box.

Jacqueline

Whilst reading I came upon these words by Oriah Mountain Dreamer below and I was moved to share them …